That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
hmmm
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.