@DanteEvilCat: That awkward moment when someone says "stop", and you don't know whether to respond with "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."
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@bingowings14: Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you. Snail: It all happened so fast.
@Sirrruh: I can't be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
@KKAlThani: David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.