That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I hope they boil the right one.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
groan^2
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.