friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I wish this was real life…
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.