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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My flabber has been gasted.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”