That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft