That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Finally! 😈
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.