That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.