That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Natty or not?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Dudes named Chance never had one.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.