That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Breaking news:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me