#NeverForget
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Just had my nails done!
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.