Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
How dramatic are you?