I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.