I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.