That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My life coach traded me.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Finally! 😈
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.