That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Good Morning.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.