That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
You know…for fall…
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Phones down.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*