@Lexiedeadpool: That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."
@Home_Halfway: My wife's leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
@YeahDrewisOn: Her: I can't believe you slept with her! Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK! Her: I just went to the store to buy bread! Me: Longest six minutes ever