[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope