@Lexiedeadpool: That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
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@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days. KID FREE for DAYS! So I licked her face.
@stewnami: She kept yelling "Choke!, Choke!" to me during sex. So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?