Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol