That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Have kids, they said
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.