@WheelTod: That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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@UncleDuke1969: [runs into old friend] FRIEND: How are the kids? ME: Good. Both out of the house now. FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?” ME: What’s that? FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone. ME: *snort laughs*
@boring_as_heck: Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
@abbycohenwl: I never thought I'd meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right