That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My kitchen overserved me.
This kid is going places
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I put the hot in psychotic.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.