My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
You Might Also Like
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret