That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
They did not miss in the small print
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I think about this a lot
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home