That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
🤣🤣🤣
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.