Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Do one person every day that scares you.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side