@ClaytonSykes: That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
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@FuckabillyRex: I probably wouldn't know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there's a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
@daemonic3: Hello 911? "What's your emergency?" You work in a building? "Yes" Inside? "Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!
@jonnysun: [at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"