That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME