That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.