My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sooo many times…..
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.