how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact