That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?