That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
early stone age tool
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Breaking news:
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”