That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
i hate you platonically
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Kentucky names the shit out of places
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.