That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Best table by far
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.