That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
This tweet has been deleted
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I hate my earbuds.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.