I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Spring of Deception
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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Me: Same
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.