Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
remember
only for emergencies
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Ok, but like, how married are you?