Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death