@iQuoteComedy: That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
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@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan
@novicefather: I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
@cray_at_home_ma: There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.