@iQuoteComedy: That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
@cubagoodingjr69: Bay: come over Me: no, I'm watching TMNT Bay: I made one too Me: but it's awful Bay: come watch it Me: who gave you my number, Michael
@mattZillaaaa: Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors