Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Spider-cat: No One Home
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.