That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting