That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked