That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.