That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Self-cleaning conscience
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball