That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You Might Also Like
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.