“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.