“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.