“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Kids: Stay in school.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?