I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
be careful
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.