Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Erm…