That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.