my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*