It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen