“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
wtf management?!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?