that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why